Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Dear Gabe,

I was so happy to read your letter yesterday.  We hadn't heard from you since Christmas morning and I had a bad feeling.  The email made it all better, but as I told your dad, there was something different about it.  I worried that something bad had happened again. 

My day was topped off by the arrival of two cards from Kayle containing pictures of Zachary.  She had let him scribble on both cards and the pencil scratches made me cry.  My grandbaby had written his first letters to me.  Seeing new pictures of him and you also did my heart good.  I smiled all day.

I could have left it at that, I should have left it at that, but I had to know.  And now I do. 

I didn't shake and sob like I did the first time.  I didn't stare numb with fear and grief as I did the second time.  I just sat and read the words that informed me... another casualty... your unit's numbers glowing like a neon light, the soldier's name, glowing gently in solemn reverence. 

I wonder about his family, I worry about them.  I hate how calm I am now after just a few months and the few but great losses you and your unit have already suffered.  I hope my calmness is not misinterrpreted as a lack of caring.  Why didn't I cry last night?  Why couldn't I cry last night when I felt such a deep sadness.  Is it possible that I am getting used to the tragedy of war?  Can anyone really get used to war?  I don't want to believe that of myself, and yet I am no longer devastated by death.  That worries me.

I'm sorry Gabe, this must be a garbled mess to you. I didn't sleep well last night.  In fact I'm not sure I slept at all, I just closed my eyes and breathed.  There was no comfort in the darkness, just a jumble of questions whose answers eluded me.  I pray for your safety son, I pray like I've never prayed before.  I pray for the others safety.  I thank the Great Spirit for miracles, great and small... some we see and those we don't realize have occurred.  And I pray for the winds of change to blow Peace across the land and into the hearts of those who keep this war necessary.

Be safe Gabe, and come home soon.  Miss you, Love you always,



Anonymous mumma4evr said...

I am so sorry to hear of another casuality.  Praying that it all ends soon!

January 4, 2006 at 7:58 AM  
Anonymous demandnlilchit said...

(((gabe)))) Im sorry you lost another soldier and friend....war is never a win win situation, losses are made and felt on both sides of the war.....the fallen soldier is always somebody's child, somebody's parent or sibling. I keep you and your Mother in my thoughts every day, I too had a military childhood, I know how brave you are and I am sure your even a better soldier. I appreciate what you are doing over there, you honor this country best by serving it. Stay safe and hurry home your Momma misses you. :)

January 4, 2006 at 10:12 AM  
Anonymous princesssaurora said...

I am so sorry that your unit suffered another loss Gabe.  I know you probably didn't tell your mom because you knew she would be upset and you knew she would worry more....  I can't imagine how you both must feel.  I am sending you and your unit and your mom my healing prayers....

Be safe and be well,

January 4, 2006 at 6:20 PM  
Anonymous hestiahomeschool said...

Sometimes things hurt too much to cry about.  It does not mean that you are becoming hardened at all. It just means that your body has shut down until you can find a time when you can cry about it. I learned this after having miscarriages. Sometimes I just could not cry, but then, a day or two later I would howl and scream.

Being a Kentuckian, Fort Campbell is near and dear to our hearts, and I always worry about the soldiers from there, especially.

January 9, 2006 at 4:27 AM  

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