IT'S BEEN A WHILE

Dear Gabe,

It's been a while since I last wrote.  I think I've been avoiding it.  I know whats slowly but surely making its way into the not so distant future and I'm trying to hold it back, to avoid thinking on it as if by doing so it just might go away and never happen.

I saw Mettie and his mom on Larry King the other night.  He looked so aware, its hard to comprehend the extent of his injuries.  He has such big bright blue eyes.  I felt like I could see right into his mind through them and I wanted to tell him to wake up, to come out and play. 

I feel a dull ache in the back of my head, a dark fear that threatens to fill my mind.  We've met before, this fear and I.  I lived with it, I fought it for the entire time you were in Iraq.  I thought I had conquered it and rejoiced that it was gone from my life.  I learned to sleep through the night without nightmares.  I knew you might have to go back again, but I was just so damn happy that you were home.

But reality cannot be avoided forever.  The shadows in my mind loom clearer and closer with each passing day.  I'm not ready for another round.  There will never be enough time in between trips for a mother to prepare for her child returning to war.  I wish you were closer to home.

Promise me you will take advantage of all that is beautiful and wonderful around you now.  Go fishing.  Take a walk in the woods.  Listen to the birds.  Listen to a love song.  Smell the flowers.  Drink good beer, taste new foods.  Make new friends.  Renew old friendships.  Make happy memories to carry in your thoughts for those long nights when you are far from family and friends.

And I shall continue to beat off the darkness that threatens to push me off the deep end.  Who knows, the winds may shift, prayers may be answered, decisions may be made that turn the tide of things and we may yet see peace.

Love you always,

Mom~